Life Events

In the Orthodox world, the birth of a child triggers a cascade of religious obligations:

The gender disparity is immediate—a boy's birth involves more ritual, more celebration, and more community involvement. The arrival of a girl is acknowledged, but with considerably less fanfare.

Bar Mitzvah (age 13 for boys) and Bat Mitzvah (age 12 for girls) mark the transition to religious adulthood—the age at which a person becomes obligated in all commandments.

For boys, it's a major event: he's called to the Torah, reads from the scroll, gives a speech (drasha), and is celebrated with a festive meal. For girls in most Orthodox communities, the acknowledgment is minimal—if it exists at all.

The irony: At 12 or 13, a child is considered old enough to take on the full weight of 613 commandments and all rabbinic laws, but not old enough to vote, drive, or make any other significant life decision in the secular world.

Outside Orthodoxy: A coming-of-age celebration can be whatever you want it to be. Many ex-Orthodox families create meaningful ceremonies that celebrate their child's growth without religious obligation.

In halacha, divorce is entirely in the husband's hands. A woman cannot divorce her husband—only he can grant a Get (bill of divorce). Without it, she is considered an agunah (chained woman) and cannot remarry under Jewish law. If she does enter a new relationship, any children from it are considered mamzerim (bastards) who are forbidden from marrying other Jews for ten generations.

The Rambam's position is revealing: he wrote that a man can be forced to give a Get because his "true will" is to comply with the court—a legal fiction that acknowledges the injustice while preserving the system's structure.

The agunah crisis is ongoing. Organizations like ORA (Organization for the Resolution of Agunot) estimate thousands of women are chained to dead marriages. The system has no real solution because the fundamental premise—that only a man can end a marriage—is baked into the halacha.

If you've left and need a Get: Many people who leave Orthodoxy still obtain a Get to avoid complications if they want to remarry within any Jewish framework, or to satisfy family. But you should know: a civil divorce is a real divorce. You are legally free regardless of what any beit din says.

If your ex is refusing a Get: Contact ORA (getora.org) or a similar organization. Document everything. Know that you have legal options outside the religious system—restraining orders, tort claims for Get refusal, and civil courts that increasingly recognize Get extortion as a form of abuse.

If you have children: Custody in the secular court system is based on the best interests of the child, not halachic presumptions. The Talmudic default (boys to father at 6, girls to mother) has no standing in civil law. Get a good family lawyer.

Outside Orthodoxy: Get married however you want—civil ceremony, beach wedding, backyard celebration. Or don't get married at all. Your relationship's validity doesn't depend on standing under a chuppah.

Many people who've left still find comfort in some mourning practices—they can provide structure during grief. Take what serves you and leave the rest.